I have more to lose


I can no longer live so easily and casually. I can't just let go anymore because I have something so significant that I need to hold on to. Every car journey is a potential danger, every dinner out a challenge, but a good one, one where that meaningfulness comes out again. I can't just get on a train or a bus without a minimal, brief, teeny tiny thought of what I would lose if the bus driver made just one small mistake - because I would lose everything. Everything that means more to me than anything else in the whole wide world. I am mum. My daughter is my everything. And whereas before I sat in those cars thinking to myself "ok it would suck if something happened", now I don't get in those cars anymore. Whereas before I sat at dinner with friends, dog-tired from studying, now I look very carefully at what tired eyes need me tonight. Whereas I used to lean back comfortably in the bus, I secretly rave to myself when the bus driver races around the bends.

Then I watch my surroundings, still sitting casually in these cars and buses, and I realise: it feels like I have more to lose than you.

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